The Pause

Apr 2

My first career was in the music industry and for years afterward, I would desperately clasp on to this old identity. I couldn’t let go. I wouldn’t. I know I’m stubborn.

But I was scared. And very confused.

While I have since been able to form a new sense of self, I wouldn’t be here without the many coaches who have guided and supported me along the path. Having a coach in your corner can work wonders. And while a coach is not for everyone, being able to coach yourself is.

Whatever chapter in your life you may be in, the invitation is to write this next one with gumption. And to do that you might take stock: reflect on where you’ve come from, where you are today, and where you’re heading. Enter the power of the pause - a technology that serves me time and time again.

Breathe

The majority of us not only fail to breathe right, but we also fail to use this tool to quickly self-regulate. Deliberate breathing, whether it be holotropic, box, bumblebee, or just extending your breaths - reduces your heart rate. It activates your parasympathetic nervous system which is responsible for rest and digestion.

The subconscious act of breathing is controlled by your autonomic nervous system — you don’t have to give it any thought. Breathing ‘right’ brings more oxygen to your brain and alters your thought patterns. It helps shift your internal landscape. You can be more available to meet to meet the world fully. And with a heightened sense of calm and clarity, you’ll be better equipped to make wiser choices about what to eat for dinner and what to do with your life.

If you are new to all of this breathwork mumbo jumbo - then one way to get started is by placing your hand on the part of the body the next time you feel a stirring. Say you receive a passive-aggressive email and you’re inclined to snap back with a snarky reply. Place the palm of one hand where you feel the tightness in your body. Different folks have the tension show up in different places — this might be the chest, back, or throat.

Then start your deliberate breathing—extending your inhales and exhales long. And then just observe. What do you notice? One of my favorite quotes of what happens here is from psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl:

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

It captures the spirit of tragic optimism - this psychological space where you get to choose what attitude to adopt and decide how you want to be.

I know what you’re thinking — what if the person or situation calls for an emotional reaction? What if what’s being asked of me is to strike back, fight fire with fire!? Should I not stand my ground? I can’t be the Buddha all the freaking time. Good point. I think building the capacity to access your higher self to decide how you’ll respond is the name of the game.

It sounds lovely to choose compassion for the person who cut you up in traffic. In this moment you could hit the gas pedal and chase them down (you’re seriously going to run them off the road?) or you might hit the dial on the stereo and blast your favorite tune and forget about it. You could also pull up and extend your arm and raise your middle finger or surprise them with a friendly wave.

The choice you make could have dire consequences. Will you consciously choose to be curious or judgmental? Responsive or reactive? Easeful or uptight?

Break

The power of the pause extends well beyond a few breaths to weeks, months, or longer. You might think of it as a super long inhale and exhale. The creative and restorative power of taking breaks to be idle is well known. But the logic for doing nothing is increasingly shunned by our impulse to be productive.

It can seem counter-intuitive to slow down when you have so damn busy. But we are most productive when we allow for intermittent renewal alongside our hyper-focused activities.

If it’s helpful you can frame your break as a meeting with yourself, think-week, mini-sabbatical, or heck just call it a vacation — so long as you don’t sacrifice its purpose. The intent is to carve out dedicated time and space for replenishment.

Head to the sea if you can. Japanese scientists found that ultrasonic sounds in waves have a positive effect on the waves in the human brain. The rhythmic vibrations of the ocean wash you over with a sense of calmness and cleanse your mind. And this deeper level of awareness helps you enter that liminal space in between your thoughts.

Whichever kind of break you go for — the likelihood of making better decisions will increase. You return to regular ‘life’ restored and with a new lens from which to see yourself and the world. Maybe you weren't clear on what outcome you truly wanted or how you might actually get there — but now after some gestation — it’s quite evident.

Become

When first responders arrive at an emergency scene, they pause. They breathe. They scan the scene to gain a bird’s eye view. They become their most aware selves so they can swiftly adapt to the current situation.

Similarly, in our personal lives, when we find ourselves triggered and stuck in old patterns — we can benefit from this same approach. Mindfulness practices like deliberate breathing or meditation, allow us to become more present, enabling us to see situations more objectively. Our regressed states can be swiftly short-circuited with the pause.

The pause is an everyday practice and a lifelong affair that requires patience, time, and commitment.
The beauty of it is that you spend less time dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. Instead, you rewire your thinking to be more flexible, break unhealthy habits, and write a new story that serves you.

And the best part? Instead of someone else calling you out on your bullshit, you empower yourself to recognize your patterns. You afford yourself the luxury to decide how you want to be and choose to come home to yourself.

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(In) Practice

The Setup: I was a full year into my gig as Innovation Director with the largest Arts University in Europe. On a whims notice, The Chancellor summoned me into her office. Wearing her essential all-black loosely fitting gown, we sat down together along with the Dean of the College. The wide glass table matched the supersized plush office. The Chancellor drew down her thick black-framed glasses, leaned in, and asked, “So what exactly is it you do here?” I was livid.

The Turnaround: I didn’t know about The Pause back then. But I felt that a break would give me some perspective. I fled to Barcelona (where I also ran a Marathon to blow off steam💨). On my return, I could see with a new lens. I had thought I was crushing it in my new role— making progress with business partnerships, supporting student-led ventures, and bringing in new talent to help the institution change with the times. But with my refined spectacles, I could see how I was making incremental progress in a variety of arenas but nothing meaty to show for — which is what the College valued.

Changing tactics, I sought out some of the brightest collaborators to focus on one thing. Within 6 months, we successfully launched London’s first lifestyle and technology incubator. The break (one long-ass pause) was key in helping me shift out of reactive and into proactive mode.

That is the power of the pause.